downstairsgoo

still not feeling any better
i also look dog rough
gotta go to work in a bit
really cant be bothered
still not done any college work
looks like tonights gonna be an allnighter

how do i fix my lifeee?

FUCKED EVERYTHING UP!
what's wrong with me? seriously i can't get anything right.
it's too hard to explain.
why do people lie to me
whats more why did i even believe them
hes who i want
i shouldnt have listened to anyone else
cuz now its fucked

ALCOHOL IS A VERY BAD THING
i'm feeling the pain of drinking every night for the past two weeks part from bout 3 nights. my head hurts. i do stupid things i regret. i feel sick. i'm skint. i really just wanna drink some more.
cant got work tonight
got to do college work
got to go to college tomorrow
work tomorrow
lots more college work tomorrow night
hopefully town tuesday night, if he pays me back

omg
i
cant
believe
how
fucking
stupid
i
have
been

REALLY

i want to die now, please.

wow this weeks been mental...
i've drank almost everyday since last monday, part from last night n saturday night...
its all caught up with me noww

aint stayed at home for days

probably aint stayin at home tonight
depends what jimmys doin
meetin him after work again

just seen him after work now

stayed with him at dannys sunday n monday nightt

hes lovely
he really is
i dont actually give a shit what some people have said bout him
he's so sweet
n pretty god dam sexy

got baree songs stuck in my head tho cuz of him

haha

stayed at lian's last night
just chilled watched a film
was lovely
i was buzzin she made me dinner
first meal i had for days
n it was well nice
lasagne garlic bread n chips
:P

lian's soundddd i work with her
shes so nice
chris's sister
n matt brothers mrs

shes lovely

lol


anywayy
aint been college all week
not in the right frame of mind
i just cant be bothered
with anything
takin a gap year
gettin a job
n my own place
or a car

undecided

maybe both




my phones fucked, but my pink one dies well quick so ive gotta keep it on me for when that one dies

 

got work again tonight i just covered lians lunch shift

thennn i'm seein jimmyboiii



bye bye bye
need a bath
:)
:)
xxxxxxx
 

went clubbin with the lads; brad, martin sam and dave...
was in love2love open til close
danced my tits off all night
it was buzzin
saww jimmyyy(herpes)
no hazen tho
hes  the one that said to go out friday aswell!!
met some other randomer from warsall, CJ
third CJ i know now
he was alright
good kisser
lol
got with quite a few people
lmao
jimmys well nice
but yeh i can't believe how much attention i got
I'VE STILL GOT IT BABY
lol didnt even make an effort shoulda seen some of the girls, looked like complete slags, don't think i'll ever go out in what i used to wear out not after seein what them girls looked like...mind you i never looked like as much of a slag as they did...
anywayyy
saw bare people  out again
nicked loadsa food off people outside ali's lol
 i nicked a chicken nugget from keiron right from under his nose he didn't even notcie i'd taken it til i'd eaten half of it lol he didnt want it back tho :P

after me n martin went asda met some random guys
i dont know how it came about but we ended up staying in the travel lodge with them
they were sound tho
very immature
nick was absolutely gorgeous
but yeh
last night was mental.

hopefully i'm goin out again tonight
not drinkin out tho
too much dollar
i'll just drink first then dance all night
maybe i'll sneak a liittle vodka with me
:P
lol

i am BUZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNnnn

:D
:D
so so so random

love itttttttttttt
sittin in my garden doin college work...well a bit

haha

thought i'd make the most of the lovely weather anywayy

goin out again tonightt

its gonna be good

i've drank like every night this week

last night was lovely
maybe its sad to drink on my own
but i like my own company

and it was alright

chillin

cant stop thinkin bout certain things

i want a boyfriend
i know i dont need one
i'm quite happy being single

but it's been like over a year now and i just want some male attention
and hugs
and kisses

it's not even the sex i want
although regular sex would be nice

i just want someone to care for me
and who i care for



and i'm gay

but
you know

it's just nice to have someone you love



i'm lonely


LOL

butttt anywayyy
maybe i'll pull tonight

haha


right going to get clean, become fake tanned, and tan some more in the beautiful sun.
perhaps do some more college work...
i doubt it...i have tomorrow and sundayy
lol


good day

xxx
 

i did not want to get out of bed today
had a lovely phone call from mike
:)
then i decided to sleep for another hour then get up
i just kept thinking omg i have so much work to do
still i've done nothing but i have made a start on organising my bedroom
i'll continue it later and do some college work after work

anyway back to the phone call;
hot topic for us at the moment is meg.
SHE IS HONESTLY THE MOST DICKHEADEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET
i cant even be bothered to go into detail about it all.
but she said me and mike are two-faced and fake to mike- how am i fake? or two-faced? HOW DOES SHE HAVE THE CHEEK TO SAY THAT...she's so fake and way more two-faced than me.
she's a dick


dick
dick
dick


i just ate a lovely chicken philedalphia(garlic and herb) and salad wrap. mmmm

i went onto piczo cuz i made one years ago i just wanted to get all my old pictures off it...but i cant even see them they've all got little x's in the corner..i was so angry

but i found a few on photobucket so it's okay :)
a few years ago...
8/10/2005
[IMG]http://s53.photobucket.com/albums/g52/tashy-tash-tash/beckys%20bday%20party%202005/?action=view&current=lolkii.jpg[/IMG]

and now...(well a few weeks ago)
[IMG]http://i43.tinypic.com/o09uyt.jpg[/IMG]
and this is what i look like right at this second ..a lot like shit
[IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/2hs96kn.jpg[/IMG] 

lol




i like pictures

got to get ready for work now

oh god i am tired



xxxxxxxxxxx 

i dont mind spiders
but i'm in bed
i know its around somewhere
but i just don't know where

that's the worst

WHAT IF IT CRAWLS INTO MY MOUTH AS I SLEEP?




as i was just reading some of my older posts...i suddenly realised how much i have matured. i am an adult. mental.

also, my other posts just read "ABSOLUTE TWAT"



i think i'm in a good place right now...
i'm finally happy
lol
mostly
i'm still slightly lonely
i would like a man
i'm not going to get one
it'd be too much to ask for every aspect of my life to be going great all at the same time.

shit happens.

i don't even know where to begin.
i'm so upset.
but really just angry at myself.
i don't know why i even thought that maybe something would come of it.
he's just a close friend
but stuff happened between us
and we are still closer than ever
but now
it's like nothing to anyone else but when i saw it my heart literally just started racing and now i can't stop crying. i'm actually like i dunno distraught and i don't know why cause i spent so long telling myself that we are just close friends but it doesn't hit til they'er seeing somone how much you care about them, how much you actually want to be with them, not just as friends but as so much more. we have our friendship, nothing has uined yet, it should be me.
i know this is lame but my heart aches, he meant to be  mine.
now i feel like a dick i shouldn't feel like this. but i like him a lot. i care about him. i want him to be mine.

I just realised how fucking depressive my blogs are.
i'm now only going to write about good things that happen. maybe i'll write a little about bad stuff if i'm pissed off or i feel the need to...POSITIVE THINKING NATASHA

good things that happened todayyyyyyy
ummmm
ha
can't think now tbh
was a shit day
maybe tomorrow will be better
i'm now going to sit infront of the tele tonight doing fuck all. tomorrow i'm going to sort my bedroom out then going back to the flat to see tash and meg
hmm tomorrow may be better

xxx

 oh dear lol.

wellll it's beeen eventful and uneventful. shit boring and generallly more boring.

i'm still at college
still doing fashion
still without a boyfriends
still with very few close friends
good ones though
my life was getting back on track but it's going down hill again.

college is so shit and applying for uni is wank how am i supposed to plan my whole future in the next few weeks
i want to drive.
i can't afford it
i can barely afford to smoke or eat anymore. i put smoke before eat because i'd much rather afford to smoke than to eat.

anywayyy

i'm going to move back in with my mother then i can get my money situation sorted and maybe i'll be able to afford to learn how to drive

i'd also like to afford to go out drinking in town. ema is taking the piss, yet again i didn't get my money so another week of being skint and having no money to eat or smoke.

i just want to go to town and get wasted.

ha.

i'm sick of people  taking advantage of me.
i'm sick of all MY money going on things for other people
an 18 year old who smokes lives on their own and goes to college cannot afford to live for themselves, let alone feed two people.
earning less than 40 pounds a week, not receiving 30 pounds a week of ema. how the fuck is someone supposed to cope?
noone realises that when you say you've got no money you literally have no money.
i have a new found respect for my mother.
i really appreciate her a lot more
and dispite the arguing and how much i hated her, hence whyy i'm living with my friend, i can't wait to live back at home.

anyway i lost my chain of thoughts because i just went for a cigarette. i want to quit. i quite frankly don't have the patience.

blah blah blah

yes my life is shit.

anywayyy

i'm going i will write more regularly on here. i always say that. but i'm going to. i just forget i have it then every so often i remember.

good bye 

x