downstairsgoo

still not feeling any better
i also look dog rough
gotta go to work in a bit
really cant be bothered
still not done any college work
looks like tonights gonna be an allnighter

how do i fix my lifeee?

FUCKED EVERYTHING UP!
what's wrong with me? seriously i can't get anything right.
it's too hard to explain.
why do people lie to me
whats more why did i even believe them
hes who i want
i shouldnt have listened to anyone else
cuz now its fucked

ALCOHOL IS A VERY BAD THING
i'm feeling the pain of drinking every night for the past two weeks part from bout 3 nights. my head hurts. i do stupid things i regret. i feel sick. i'm skint. i really just wanna drink some more.
cant got work tonight
got to do college work
got to go to college tomorrow
work tomorrow
lots more college work tomorrow night
hopefully town tuesday night, if he pays me back

omg
i
cant
believe
how
fucking
stupid
i
have
been

REALLY

i want to die now, please.

wow this weeks been mental...
i've drank almost everyday since last monday, part from last night n saturday night...
its all caught up with me noww

aint stayed at home for days

probably aint stayin at home tonight
depends what jimmys doin
meetin him after work again

just seen him after work now

stayed with him at dannys sunday n monday nightt

hes lovely
he really is
i dont actually give a shit what some people have said bout him
he's so sweet
n pretty god dam sexy

got baree songs stuck in my head tho cuz of him

haha

stayed at lian's last night
just chilled watched a film
was lovely
i was buzzin she made me dinner
first meal i had for days
n it was well nice
lasagne garlic bread n chips
:P

lian's soundddd i work with her
shes so nice
chris's sister
n matt brothers mrs

shes lovely

lol


anywayy
aint been college all week
not in the right frame of mind
i just cant be bothered
with anything
takin a gap year
gettin a job
n my own place
or a car

undecided

maybe both




my phones fucked, but my pink one dies well quick so ive gotta keep it on me for when that one dies

 

got work again tonight i just covered lians lunch shift

thennn i'm seein jimmyboiii



bye bye bye
need a bath
:)
:)
xxxxxxx
 

went clubbin with the lads; brad, martin sam and dave...
was in love2love open til close
danced my tits off all night
it was buzzin
saww jimmyyy(herpes)
no hazen tho
hes  the one that said to go out friday aswell!!
met some other randomer from warsall, CJ
third CJ i know now
he was alright
good kisser
lol
got with quite a few people
lmao
jimmys well nice
but yeh i can't believe how much attention i got
I'VE STILL GOT IT BABY
lol didnt even make an effort shoulda seen some of the girls, looked like complete slags, don't think i'll ever go out in what i used to wear out not after seein what them girls looked like...mind you i never looked like as much of a slag as they did...
anywayyy
saw bare people  out again
nicked loadsa food off people outside ali's lol
 i nicked a chicken nugget from keiron right from under his nose he didn't even notcie i'd taken it til i'd eaten half of it lol he didnt want it back tho :P

after me n martin went asda met some random guys
i dont know how it came about but we ended up staying in the travel lodge with them
they were sound tho
very immature
nick was absolutely gorgeous
but yeh
last night was mental.

hopefully i'm goin out again tonight
not drinkin out tho
too much dollar
i'll just drink first then dance all night
maybe i'll sneak a liittle vodka with me
:P
lol

i am BUZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNnnn

:D
:D
so so so random

love itttttttttttt
sittin in my garden doin college work...well a bit

haha

thought i'd make the most of the lovely weather anywayy

goin out again tonightt

its gonna be good

i've drank like every night this week

last night was lovely
maybe its sad to drink on my own
but i like my own company

and it was alright

chillin

cant stop thinkin bout certain things

i want a boyfriend
i know i dont need one
i'm quite happy being single

but it's been like over a year now and i just want some male attention
and hugs
and kisses

it's not even the sex i want
although regular sex would be nice

i just want someone to care for me
and who i care for



and i'm gay

but
you know

it's just nice to have someone you love



i'm lonely


LOL

butttt anywayyy
maybe i'll pull tonight

haha


right going to get clean, become fake tanned, and tan some more in the beautiful sun.
perhaps do some more college work...
i doubt it...i have tomorrow and sundayy
lol


good day

xxx
 

i did not want to get out of bed today
had a lovely phone call from mike
:)
then i decided to sleep for another hour then get up
i just kept thinking omg i have so much work to do
still i've done nothing but i have made a start on organising my bedroom
i'll continue it later and do some college work after work

anyway back to the phone call;
hot topic for us at the moment is meg.
SHE IS HONESTLY THE MOST DICKHEADEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET
i cant even be bothered to go into detail about it all.
but she said me and mike are two-faced and fake to mike- how am i fake? or two-faced? HOW DOES SHE HAVE THE CHEEK TO SAY THAT...she's so fake and way more two-faced than me.
she's a dick


dick
dick
dick


i just ate a lovely chicken philedalphia(garlic and herb) and salad wrap. mmmm

i went onto piczo cuz i made one years ago i just wanted to get all my old pictures off it...but i cant even see them they've all got little x's in the corner..i was so angry

but i found a few on photobucket so it's okay :)
a few years ago...
8/10/2005
[IMG]http://s53.photobucket.com/albums/g52/tashy-tash-tash/beckys%20bday%20party%202005/?action=view&current=lolkii.jpg[/IMG]

and now...(well a few weeks ago)
[IMG]http://i43.tinypic.com/o09uyt.jpg[/IMG]
and this is what i look like right at this second ..a lot like shit
[IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/2hs96kn.jpg[/IMG] 

lol




i like pictures

got to get ready for work now

oh god i am tired



xxxxxxxxxxx 

i dont mind spiders
but i'm in bed
i know its around somewhere
but i just don't know where

that's the worst

WHAT IF IT CRAWLS INTO MY MOUTH AS I SLEEP?




as i was just reading some of my older posts...i suddenly realised how much i have matured. i am an adult. mental.

also, my other posts just read "ABSOLUTE TWAT"



i think i'm in a good place right now...
i'm finally happy
lol
mostly
i'm still slightly lonely
i would like a man
i'm not going to get one
it'd be too much to ask for every aspect of my life to be going great all at the same time.

shit happens.

i don't even know where to begin.
i'm so upset.
but really just angry at myself.
i don't know why i even thought that maybe something would come of it.
he's just a close friend
but stuff happened between us
and we are still closer than ever
but now
it's like nothing to anyone else but when i saw it my heart literally just started racing and now i can't stop crying. i'm actually like i dunno distraught and i don't know why cause i spent so long telling myself that we are just close friends but it doesn't hit til they'er seeing somone how much you care about them, how much you actually want to be with them, not just as friends but as so much more. we have our friendship, nothing has uined yet, it should be me.
i know this is lame but my heart aches, he meant to be  mine.
now i feel like a dick i shouldn't feel like this. but i like him a lot. i care about him. i want him to be mine.

I just realised how fucking depressive my blogs are.
i'm now only going to write about good things that happen. maybe i'll write a little about bad stuff if i'm pissed off or i feel the need to...POSITIVE THINKING NATASHA

good things that happened todayyyyyyy
ummmm
ha
can't think now tbh
was a shit day
maybe tomorrow will be better
i'm now going to sit infront of the tele tonight doing fuck all. tomorrow i'm going to sort my bedroom out then going back to the flat to see tash and meg
hmm tomorrow may be better

xxx

 oh dear lol.

wellll it's beeen eventful and uneventful. shit boring and generallly more boring.

i'm still at college
still doing fashion
still without a boyfriends
still with very few close friends
good ones though
my life was getting back on track but it's going down hill again.

college is so shit and applying for uni is wank how am i supposed to plan my whole future in the next few weeks
i want to drive.
i can't afford it
i can barely afford to smoke or eat anymore. i put smoke before eat because i'd much rather afford to smoke than to eat.

anywayyy

i'm going to move back in with my mother then i can get my money situation sorted and maybe i'll be able to afford to learn how to drive

i'd also like to afford to go out drinking in town. ema is taking the piss, yet again i didn't get my money so another week of being skint and having no money to eat or smoke.

i just want to go to town and get wasted.

ha.

i'm sick of people  taking advantage of me.
i'm sick of all MY money going on things for other people
an 18 year old who smokes lives on their own and goes to college cannot afford to live for themselves, let alone feed two people.
earning less than 40 pounds a week, not receiving 30 pounds a week of ema. how the fuck is someone supposed to cope?
noone realises that when you say you've got no money you literally have no money.
i have a new found respect for my mother.
i really appreciate her a lot more
and dispite the arguing and how much i hated her, hence whyy i'm living with my friend, i can't wait to live back at home.

anyway i lost my chain of thoughts because i just went for a cigarette. i want to quit. i quite frankly don't have the patience.

blah blah blah

yes my life is shit.

anywayyy

i'm going i will write more regularly on here. i always say that. but i'm going to. i just forget i have it then every so often i remember.

good bye 

x

hi.
it's been a while
god.
everything's changed

my actual life is completely different
it's weird
in a good way

too much to explain

don't really want to write it anyway

rather just foget about everythinggg

and start fresh

...................................vsiubdvauwbvibuyasyywqewrrstdjvmbbmhgot................................................................. this is me letting everything out, and starting fresh


hey
my name's tasha and this is my livejournal

i'm 17

i live in stafford

i'm studying fashion at college

i have some very close friends

but i find it really hard to trust people

umm

i smoke

i drink

too much drinking

not enough sleeping

i work

at the shire horse i'm a potwasher and a waitress

i like it

well i hate potwashing

but i lvoe the people i work with

phil makes it fun :)

i guess everyone there's kind of like family

worked there for like 10 months now

it's weird

but heyyy

money :D


ummm i like singing and dancing

i just don't do it too well

haha


i like swimming



i like people to think i'm happy
so i put on a brave face in the morning
and hide how i'm feeling
it's what i'm good at :)


ummm today i went to working for a meeting and went shopping with my mummy, but i've been ill for a few days 

:(




okay timeeeeee to go


i'll write soon

keep up to date (Y)

:)

xxxx

everything. 

i wish evryone would just fuck off seriously.
i can't cope with anything anymore
everyone's just getting on my tits.
i don't want what i feel is going to happen but maybe it's better than me just waiting for something that's never going to happen waiting for them to make up their decision. i've tried to stop thinking and stop waiting but all that does is make me hate everything it puts me in a bad mood and i get all built up inside.
i really don't want this anymore.
i can't remember when i was actually happy.
if he reads this which he's the only one that does. he'll think i'm stupid and pathetic for writing all of this. 
that's how he is.
everything i have to say is annoying and pointless and pathetic.
i can't do anything right anymore.
so what's the point.

i've slipped back into old habits in the last few weeks i guess it's not good. but i kinda like it. it makes me happy i think. i can't talk to anyone though. i feel how i did before daniel. except this time it's different. i don't like it.
but whatever. i guess i just have to get used to it.

there's a lot i want to say.
i don't think i can.
 

i'm very very very tired :(
i've had no sleep for four nights in a roww. i think a managed to get an hour or two last night, but it was crap sleep. i was fine thought yesterday and the day before, it's starting to hit me now though. i feel sick and headachey. i can't be arsed to go to town but i need fags and credit and i can only get served in town lol.

i've got to have test done at l'hopital tomorrow for my operation on monday. it's not that much of a big operation,don't worry. it just my tooth won't come through and it's twisted and stuff.
well theyre cutting my gums open cutting some bone away and attaching and bracketand chain to my tooth. then sewing me back up. obviously i won't be any the wiser about this cuse i'll be asleep.but i'm gonna be in so much pain when i wake up. i'm going to be on antibiotics for ages so i won't be able to drink which sucks a lot if you ask me! but i get like a week off college. which is good and bad cause now i'm gonna miss loads of workkk.
i'm currently working on designing 15 outfits for spring summer 08. not going to well. woking on my a5 sketch book and trying to design 6 outfits using fur as a part of them, it's going alrighttt i've got a few ideas. and researching about skirts, for pattern cutting (Y) exclellent. 

i miss daniel. maybe i'll be able to sleep tonight as he's staying at mine, he's coming to the hospital with me tomorrow. 


it sucks. a lot of things suck A LOT

my diets not going too well eitheri haven't been jogging yet, and i ate a fried egg sandwhich about half an hour ago :(

ii suck :( 

today was goood :)
i started my course properly
it's okay
it'll probably be better when we get more into it
we're designing clothes for spring/summer 2009

me and helen made a new friend :)

i bought a new hand bag, i'm very sad i couldn't find a decent bag the size of my silver one :( i need a really big bag. but my new bag issss very nice, i can fit everythiing i need for normal days in :) i guess i'll just have to carry big stuff in a carrier bag or something.

i like it.
 
this is it


nice isn't it?


moving on, did i go for a jog this morning? no, i slept in :)
i couldn't get out of bed for the life of me.
i really wanted to go to sleep last night but i could and i didn't end up falling asleep till about 2!

anyway it's okay i didn't eat much today so it makes up for not going jogging,

okay i can't be bothered to write anymoreeee


byeeee.xx 

chicken flavoured ones.
that is what i am eating :)
yummy

yes, hello

today was quite good 
i met daniel's dad lol.
and i went shopppingg

college tomorrow.
i'm excited, i get to start my course properly, but i reallly really just want to stay in bed for the whole of 2008. seriously i can't be arsed for anything. i don't know whyyyy. sleepp sleep is gooodd so good 

right i never stick to my new years resolutions but i'm really going to try hard this yearrr. i don't reallly have a proper one, i guess it'f like getting fit anf being healthy and losing weight all in one lol. i'm going to go jogging 3 times a week  and do yogalates twice a week. or maybe join the college gym, but for now the jogging etc.  I WILL DO IT :)
i'm going to also eat more healthily.
i'm starting tomorrow.
i'll go jogging tomorrow morning
i will
yes
excellent 


i just looked at my picture.
it's really quite cute.
such a long time ago.
awww :)

okiii

byeee xxxx

ergh i'm so bored.

there is absolutely nothing to do.

however i'm goiing to be a prostitute in a couple of hours.

not a real one,silly

just for owens media video thing.

should be fun.

then to kerrys maybe

to get stoned maybe

i have no fags :(

or no alcohol :(

or no money :(

great start to the year (Y)

my mother is doing my head in.

my sisters funny, sometimes, most of the time she's a mardi cow.

and as for daniel.

it's all fucked.

but after our break it'll be better

:)

hopefully.

horrible gut feeling though, says that there'll be no next time

i love him though.


why the fuck am i even writing this. he's the only one that ever reads my posts. lol

okay going now i've ran out of things to say.

byebye

xxx

i seriously cannot believe it's 2008.
shittttt.
so much happened in 2007 it's unreal it felt like it couldn't have only been a year, yet it went incredibly quickly.

everythings changed.

i can tell this year is going to be completely different.

11 months and we're on a break. almost a year. i hope we get back together before our year anniversary otherwise that would suck completely.

i really don't know what too say. there's too much in my head to write down.

i can't even remember anything.

i don't even know if i posted about quitting 6th form and starting college. well when i go back on the 7th january 2008, :s sounds weird, anyway, i'll be doing a national diploma in fashion :)
ace huh?

thennn if i pass, after two years i'll do a two year HND in fashion, then hopefully, get a job in london or something and become famouss :)
well, maybe not famous but still, i can dreammm.

anywayyy. i've been so lazy today. i watched like 4 filmsss and stayed in my pjs allllll day :)

something that happened last night keeps making me smile everytime i think about it :)

okay byeee. i'll try and keep more up to date this year ahaaa :D

xx

it's been so long since i've posted on here.
i feel more grown up for some reason.
for a start i don't have any free time really.
also i started 6th form, and quit.
i really didn't like it i don't know why.
it wasn't for me.
i didn't like the subjects.
i didn't like the fact they treated you like a child and i didn't like the fact they talked you into staying simply because they make money from you.
so now i'm doing a btec in fine art. it's dead good.
until christmas we do like tasters in different subjects and then just before we pick a specialist subject to do our qualification in...either fine art, photography, graphics or fashion. i'm going to do fashion :)
also, as college is only monday to thursday. i work fridays. i got a wairessing job at the shire horse.
so i do friday 6.30am to 3pm waitressing...and saturdays 9 til 4 pot-washing. sucks really i think.

i don't really have much else to say.

i've got work in 2 hrs and 15 mins and i haven't been to sleep lol.
we went to kerry's and the three of us had a lot of fun:) and me and daniel came home at like 5 so there was no point me going to sleep otherwise i wouldn't wake up for work!!!

i can't believe it's almost the end of november....time is going way to quickly.

anyway i'm too cold to type anymore.
i'll try and keep more up to date.
:)

okay, i feel slightly weird but oh well.. i'm at Daniels and he's at work.
his mum was going to take me home after we took him to work, but that would have meant her taking me and then having to go back to highfields at half 8 to pick emily up so she asked me what i want to do, and i said i'd just come back so she wouldn't have to make too many trips. 

sooo...i'm on here and listening to music and myspacing...i just made daniels bed as he hasn't done it and i kept nagging him.

MOLLY IS FURRING IT UP AGAIN

my fingers gone all crust, i cut a big chunk out of it with scissor yesterday before work so it made it hard for me to work =(
speaking of work it was my first day yesterday.
at the shire horse.
as a pot-washer.
i also got to help prepare food.
My mum works there.
she got me a job.
and daniel.
he start at about and hour and 15 minutes ago.
i hope he's okay.

and thursday night was owens party
it was funnnn
i haven't been to a good party for a while
shame about his sister though.
i felt sorry for owen.
telling us to be quite or fuck off.
it was his fucking birthday party.

ummm what else...
thursday...
sophie came and we chatted and "made" owen a birthday cake

wednesday...
ummm don't think i did anything

tuesdaayyy...
i can't remember maybe that day was town, i'm not sure
but i apologise to rachel and daniel that day cause i was in a bad mood.
i don't know if rachel noticied 
but daniel did.

yeah...so i've been really moody recently i dunno why but i'm alright now i thinkkkk.

i can't remember monday. it was too long ago.

ummm weekend... pfff

dear me, i haven't got a great memory.

tomorrrow, which isss..sunday i thinks we's is going to sees the potter boy. =D
hahaha got to finish book 5 by the time we go to see it ...i'm only on about page175 and it is a faaaaaaat book. i hope we got to the late viewing. that'd be nice actually. 8 o clock and it'd be dark after... funnn =D

i've still got black marker drawn on my elbows so i have elbow boobs.
i also have "suckmynips" written across my fingernails.
i also had a penis and the word "twat" on my left arm.
lol.

ummm i want to keep writing but i don't know what to write.

okay, i'll just come to daniels and post like monday and tell you about my sunday and monday =D

goodbye children.

x

a month...of holiday...already gone.....
a month of hard jobhunting wasted cause y mum just came up to us and said...tash you start work friday...danielsaturday.
we're washerupers.

WE HAVE JOBS

now that i've got one. i don't want one.it's scary. but money. money.money.money.

=D

i want to buys lots of things.

i need new jackets.
new jeans.
tops.
shorts.
a dress
makeup
jewellery
underwear.
a new phone.
 laptop.
shoes
gym membership
 and more i will keep adding things everytime i post lol. i can't think now but i want to treat myself =D

anyway, i cant be bothered to write much else we're going to town in a bit so byeeex